My Challenges with Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding can be challenging on a good day, add a screaming baby, piles of laundry and a messy house into the mix and thats when things get stressful very quickly. This is how it was for me.

Breast is best.

We hear this all over the world from health professionals, family organisations and some family and friends. These 3 words put so much pressure on Mum's to perform.  I too felt that I had to breastfeed, and I never comprehended what would happen if I couldn't. For some ignorant reason I assumed that because my Mum was successful with breastfeeding 4 children, that I should be too. Well it doesn't quite work that way.

Post feeding cuddles <3 

I feel very grateful to have been able to breastfeed Archer. It is true when they say skin to skin is crucial for breastfeeding, and as I had a c-section, it took a bit longer for this to happen than vaginal birth babies. It was about 10 minutes until he was placed on my chest. He was then removed from my chest when they transferred me to a post op bed and moved me into post op care. It then took about 20 minutes to get him back on me as they needed to check his vitals again, and also do a physical exam of me.

He was placed on my stomach and I was told he needs to crawl to the boob and try find it himself. As he gradually moved upwards I started to get excited, but then he kept going and ended up almost hitting my chin. The midwife told me to try and gently guide him back to the boob - its wasn't working. I started worrying thinking I was doing something wrong. I wasn't doing anything wrong, there is nothing we can do to make it happen, it either works or doesn't. 

He eventually latched on and had his first meal. I then spent the next 48 hours feeding him every 2 - 3 hours, which is typical for a newborn. As he was so small we had to make sure he was fed no more than every 3 hours to help him gain weight. 

Day 4 and he was feeding every 3 hours - my boobs were very sore, hard, and I found it difficult to sleep on my back.

The feeding was going so well I started producing 'milk' fairly early, I enough to freeze, and even donated some too. My confidence grew and I think the milk production was helping me ignore my low body confidence. 

But things took a turn when we got home. 

When we reached two weeks, my milk production was starting to slow down. He was finding it hard to latch and we had to start using the frozen milk. My confidence took a huge hit. I felt like I was letting him down.

By week 3 I was at my wits end. I tried drinking 3 litres a day, breastfeeding tea, massage, hot packs, rest, nipple covers - nothing was working. He would scream his head off and get so angry. We tried every position known to man - and still it didn't work. I was at breaking point and the frozen milk was running out. My GP then said we should get some formula so we are prepared in case my milk totally dries up. She suggested we try one formula bottle a day to allow me to catch up with the pumping and for him to get used to the taste - he loved it. He was now outright refusing my breast every time.

So no more breastfeeding, and I felt like I was letting him down. I went into this feeling of loneliness, this immense feeling that I was entirely alone and no one could help me. I started to resent being a Mum, I started to feel like I wasn't good enough, some days I felt like I didn't like my son. That's right, I said it, I didn't like my son. Seeing him and feeding him formula felt like a constant reminder that I somehow failed. That because I couldn't breastfed I failed him.

These feelings started to get worse and as the weeks went by I started to realise that I was showing symptoms of baby blues. For those that aren't quite sure, baby blues are exactly like the name says, its feeling 'blue' after having a baby. It's very common, with many Mum's experiencing this, some are able to get out of that mindset within a few weeks. For some, it develops into postpartum depression. I have had depression in the past, so I was aware that postpartum was a risk for me. When I realised I was showing symptoms of baby blues I visited my GP. I cried my eyes out. I was exhausted, drained, sore, anxious and worried I was doing something wrong without realising it. My lovely GP confirmed that I had baby blues, she said it was mild and that I needed to keep an eye on it. I didn't need meds, but I needed to spend time focusing on me and doing things I love (hence the blog!). She talked me through what to look out for should it progress. She reassured me that I did the right thing and everything was going to be ok.

I somehow felt confident leaving her office. By speaking to someone about it, crying it out and just releasing all those emotions, I walked away with a weight lifted. I felt couldn't confide in my friends as I'm the first to have a child, so was scared they wouldn't understand. If you do feel like this in anyway, please do speak to someone, just talk to someone and tell them that you need to talk or need help. People want to help, its human nature. Remember, you are not alone.

A friend told me; Breast isn't best, formula isn't best, fed is best. 

She was right. She made me realise, his health was more important than me being stressed about breastfeeding. He was still gaining weight on the formula, and that was the main thing. 

When he reached one month old he was now nearly entirely formula fed, with us using the last of the frozen milk once a day. I had 12 feeds frozen, and 3 in our fridge. We would lose all of this milk, resulting in him being entirely formula fed from that point on. Our fridge broke down overnight, it was at least 28 degrees in the NZ Summer, and we made the call to throw it all away. We didn't want to risk him getting sick from it being at room temperature for too long.

At six weeks old he had his first jabs - which he handled amazingly thankfully. He then suddenly shifted his head to my breast when I was holding him - he was asking for boob! I tried to get him to latch, and he went on straight away. I couldn't believe it. The on and off breastfeeding went on for about 3 weeks. The stress of breastfeeding and my low milk production was slowly eating at my confidence again, he was falling off again too. I eventually made the call to stop breastfeeding and to stick to formula.

He started to gain weight and was getting stronger, then the smiles arrived!

The formula feeding was going well, he was putting on weight and developing well. We found that there is very little information available in NZ about formula feeding. Any information we did find was in a tiny section, with a huge section above it about breastfeeding being the best food for your baby. I did find this very isolating, almost shaming Mum's that don't breastfeed. I agree, breastmilk does have properties that benefit the baby that formula cannot provide. However, I don't agree with the guilt tripping or the constant advertising that breast is best. We need to support each other in whatever method of feeding we want to follow. Fed and healthy babies are the priority, and that should be our focus.

To all the Mum's and Mum's-to-be, do what is right for you. The method of feeding that works for both you and your baby is what's best, and that's all that matters. Be kind to one another, support and encourage each other. Being a Mum is beautiful, but also a challenge. So when you see a Mum looking a bit frazzled or needs help, go say hello. Let her know she's not alone. 

I would love to hear your stories about your experience with feeding, so feel free to share so others can hear too!

Much love

Mrs Robinson x