The Double B - Baby Blues

I suffered from baby blues.

There I said it. I know there are Mum's out there that have been through much worse than me, and some that have never experienced it. This is my account of what I've been through and what I'm did (and continue to do) to help myself get better.

Archer had reached 4 weeks old and was outright refusing my breast. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was failing him and my family. By not being able to breastfeed I was a bad Mum. Then my milk production nearly dried up. Every time I pumped, which was about 10ml a time, it felt like proof that I was failing my son. It was starting to slowly eat at me. Every single pump was a blow to my confidence.

We had to make the call that he be formula fed, otherwise he wouldn't get enough milk. This was hard for me, to accept that my body couldn't feed him anymore. My GP and midwife said to not worry, that its common and all that mattered was that Archer was well fed. He was putting on weight and getting stronger by the day - that was the main thing.

A special moment with Archer at his naming ceremony

As my feelings of letting down Archer got worse, I started to act differently too. This was usually when I was home alone and my husband was at work, or when I was alone in the shower. I would not eat anything for hours, or binge eat. I couldn't sleep, and when I did, it would take hours for me to fall asleep. When I showered I cried, this wasn't just a few tears, this was full on crying where I needed to hold my hand over my mouth so my husband couldn't hear me. My anxiety started to get worse, I would dream about my son dying, about me dying, about someone breaking into our house. The scenarios my mind was dreaming up were awful, and every night I had a nightmare.

Archer's screaming got worse, and I was also getting worse. I had no interest in talking about my feelings with anyone. I didn't want my husband to touch me and I hated the thought of having sex. I felt isolated, alone and was shattered.

This went on for a few weeks. Some days I would feel great, and others I would be a mess. Those around me had no idea I was going through this. I made the mistake of not telling anyone how I felt, and this meant I let it go on for longer without getting help.

One day I woke up and thought that my son would probably be better off with a different Mum as I couldn't provide for him. I couldn't feed him and so how could I be the Mum he needs. This was a turning point for me. In that moment I felt this immense sense of failure and isolation. I somehow clicked. This wasn't me. I wasn't myself. I wasn't smiling or laughing, I wasn't happy and I wasn't finding enjoyment in things anymore.

Celebrating International Women's Day with my lil man

I went and saw my GP. I was scared to say it out loud. I hadn't spoken to anyone about my feelings and I knew that once I did that it would be out in the open - I was scared I would be judged. My GP was amazing. Part of me feels it was because she was a woman, had experienced Motherhood and being a new Mum. She had gone through similar emotions and knew what it felt like. She encouraged me to talk to my husband and to take every day as it comes. She said its normal, that what I was going through was completely normal, and considering Archer had reflux/colic she wasn't surprised I was feeling the way I did. She gave me some tools to help and told me to call her whenever she needed me. She suggested:

- Talk to someone daily about how I felt 
- Talk to someone about something other than Archer or babies
- Share my thoughts with someone other than my husband 
- To try and go for regular walks
- Take time to do something for me - I know this sounds impossible, but I managed to do this, and it really helped.

I started to do something for me once a day. Whether this be baking, going for a walk, getting coffee with a friend, having a bath. These little things started to make me feel better. I made a point of talking to my husband everyday when he got home from work. And he acknowledged my need to feel like a woman, and not just a Mum.

These small things make a huge difference, and over the weeks I started to feel better.

Then got a horrible vertigo bug that made me almost bed ridden for a week. My sister ended up having to come and stay with us and help look after Archer as I couldn't even hold him without the room spinning. The bug symptoms made me feel isolated again, I started to feel trapped and ended up not leaving the house without Chris for nearly 3 weeks. This was a huge mistake, when I got better I should have gone out and tried to be social. Instead I hid myself at home and the blues came back with a vengeance and in fact, were much worse. I'm going through it now still, and every day I have to push myself to get up and do something productive to help make me feel good. Whether it is cleaning the house or going out, its helping me feel like I am needed and have a purpose.

I surrounded myself with those I love, and things I enjoy, to help me get through the dark days

I know that what I'm going through is minimal in the scheme of things. There are others out there that have gone through much worse both post and pre baby's arrival. All I will say is, be open, talk to people and let others help you. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it 💜


Lots of Love

Mrs R x


If you need to speak to someone or need support please check out these websites and contact their amazing teams:

Postnatal Depression

Depression NZ

Alternatively, if you have been through the same thing and would like to chat, feel free to contact me